Change is hard. It is long, and it is hard.
There are days where I feel super motivated. I feel as if I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. Then there are days where everything seems to be a struggle or I just don't care. Life gets in the way. I have too much to do, so change gets put on hold. I get frustrated. I've put in countless hours at work between my main job and my side teaching jobs. I should be logging what I eat, but I say 'fuck it'. I don't care. I'm tired of logging everything and I've had a very long day. I didn't get exercise in because there was no time or I just was too tired. I can't wait for Sunday to come around just so I can get a break.
I recently had two weeks like that. I had a lot of deadlines. I was working long hours. I was not writing or creating. I would begin weeks logging what I was eating and then give up by Wednesday. Each Monday I would step on the scale and I would have either maintained or gained a pound from the week before.
Then something happened this week. I stepped on the scale on Monday morning and it showed me down three pounds. I was a little baffled. Wasn't sure how as I wasn't logging points every day, but when I reflected back, I had managed to exercise and I wasn't all that undisciplined with food. Regardless, it started me off on a good day. I then went to my Nia class. One of the many things I like about Nia is that there is a focus to every day that is more than just the exercise we are doing for that hour. I try to carry that focus with me throughout my day and sometimes my week. For the first time on this Monday, my instructor brought in Tarot cards and asked me to choose one at random. That would be my focus for the day.
(Now, let me back up for a second and say that I'm a bit terrified of things that predict the future. On the one hand, I don't really believe in all of that stuff, but on the other hand, there's a part of me that wants to believe in it and it scares me. So, I've never done Tarot cards. In fact, the only real thing I have ever known about Tarot cards was that there was a card called 'Death' which despite people telling me it doesn't actually mean you will die, still makes me think that somehow if I draw that card, it's saying I'm going to die young. )
Okay, back to Monday. So, my instructor tells me that there are different cards. There are major cards and minor cards. Minor cards deal with the elements like fire, water, air, etc. So, I reach into the middle of the pack and pull a card. I got a major card. BUT it wasn't death. I pull a card that says "Breakthrough". At the end of the class, I find out what that card means, and it sound exactly like this journey I have been embarking on. Coincidence? Maybe. But it sticks with me for the rest of the week.
Then, on Tuesday I turn on my podcasts in the morning while I'm getting ready. I typically listen to 'The Daily' which is a podcast by the New York Times which covers one story that's been in the news in more depth for about 25 minutes. Well, on this day when I tuned in, I heard that instead of the regular episode, they were going to air an episode of a new New York Times podcast that was a limited series podcast with only five episodes. It was called "Change Agent" and it was created by the author who wrote the book "The Power of Habit" which I think I've talked a bit about on this blog before.
What I liked about this podcast was that it showcased two stories. The first story that they aired that morning was about an 80 year old woman who had been married to the same man for 52 years. He had died seven years ago. It left her feeling lonely and she had a sense of dread. She didn't know how she was going to spend the rest of her life. Then, she met a man. She fell in love and felt happy again for the first time in a long time. She started writing and being more creative. The problem was that this man lived across the country. For a while they were having a cross country romance. Then, he found another woman who lived near him and they got married. The woman on the opposite side of the country felt heartbroken.
They move onto a second story of a woman who used to design jeans for rock stars. This was a job she loved. She had signed a contract with a big corporation and it didn't work out. She lost the rights to her label and name and ended up at the Home Shopping Network. She was selling washable silk and was very unhappy. She started gaining weight. She hated the product she was selling and started wondering what she was going to do with the rest of her life. She made three lists; everything she hated about her life, everything she liked about her life, and what she was going to do about it. She discovers that what she really wants is to design jeans. She goes back to designing jeans for herself. It makes her feel more confident. She convinces the Home Shopping Network to let her try to sell jeans for older women like herself. They agree, but they put her on at 5:00 in the morning. Yet, she starts to get a huge response. They sell out within minutes. She ends up becoming one of the most successful sellers on the Home Shopping Network. She decides that the list she created was the most important thing about this journey. It got her to really think about her passion and what she wanted in life.
They go back to the story about the 80 year old woman who is looking for happiness in her life. They encourage her to make a list. All of the things she loves about her life, everything she hates about her life, and what she wants. She discovers not what she wants to do, but rather who she wants to be. She ends up traveling across country to see the man that she had fallen in love with, not to confront him, but rather to let him know how much she had grown and how much confidence he helped to give her. She came to the realization that she doesn't need to rely on one person to make her feel that way. He makes an observation about her and how much she's changed. When they first met she was quiet and withdrawn and now she was 'bubbly' and 'out'.
Something about this woman's journey really resonated with me. I listened to all five episodes of the series in one day. There were stories about a woman with an alcohol problem that had a four year gap on her resume and didn't know whether or not to be honest at job interviews about why that gap existed. There was a story about a woman who had an on-line shopping addiction. There was another story about a guy who had a friend who used racist language and he wanted to see if it was possible to change someone's perceptions and get them to stop using such language. Finally, the last story was about a woman who ran a food deliver business. The trouble was that her delivery people did so via bicycle and they failed to show up when it rained outside which hurt her business.
What I liked about this series was that it gave some concrete skills to try to apply to certain situations. Make a list of what makes you happy. Have a craving? Try some breathing exercise. Try honesty as an approach even if it's the more difficult choice. It started to give me a new motivation.
Time is an interesting thing. There are always new beginnings. January 1 is a new beginning to a new year. Everyone makes a resolution that this year will be different. Mondays begin a new week. If I failed at logging food last week, Monday is a chance to start all over again.
Most New Year's resolutions fail. Many weeks, I will fail at logging food by mid week. Despite that feeling of a fresh beginning, time travels on. Life continues and sometimes gets in the way. It's easy to get lost on the path that we are trying to follow. But, if we listen, sometimes the universe is trying to whisper to help us find our way. Stay on the path. Don't get sidetracked. This week, the universe was shouting at me and I heard it. I'm happy to be back on my path.
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