Embracing fear

Fear.

That is a word that I have been focusing on lately.  I think I have a lot of fear.  Fear of not having enough money.  Fear of failure.  Fear of being rejected.  Fear of not being taken seriously.  Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of the unknown.  Fear for my health.  Fear of death.

Comfort.

The opposite of fear.  Some things that give me comfort:  Snuggling up watching a movie, candles lit, sipping a glass of wine.  Having dinner and drinks with good friends.  A really soft sweatshirt. Staying under the covers on a snowy Sunday morning.  Getting away to one of my favorite vacation spots for relaxation. Eating peanut butter by the spoonful. Security.  Safety.

Putting it this way, fear sounds awful.  Who wouldn't choose comfort?

Fear can also be exhilarating.  I have loved a good scary movie or book.  It can be thrilling venturing into unknown territory; Challenging myself, pushing my limits, not knowing what I am capable of.  Journeying on a brand new adventure.

At the same time, comfort can turn into stagnation.  Complacency.  Boredom.  Staying with the familiar.  Being the big fish in a small pond.  Repeating the same routines.  No surprises.

I have always been a creative person.  Ever since I was very young, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be in the theater and I wanted to be on stage.  There was no doubt in my mind.  I remember when I was a junior or senior in high school, we took some sort of test that was supposed to tell us what kinds of jobs we may be interested in for our futures.  I can't remember what mine said, but I'm pretty sure 'actor' wasn't a choice on this survey.  It didn't matter though, because I didn't need the stupid survey anyway.  I knew what I was going to do.  My parents always supported my decision although they did think I should have some sort of back-up plan.  My mom suggested I may want to get my degree in education.  Teaching was always a good back-up.  I would have nothing of that.  Getting a teaching degree meant I was already giving up on my dream.  So I went to college and studied acting.  It was some of the best years of my life.  I was surrounded by theater people, doing what I loved.  The world was full of possibilities and I couldn't wait to get out there and conquer it!

I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly when self-doubt started to creep in, but it was sometime in my late twenties.  That is when fear started to hold me back rather than propel me forward.  That is when I started to seek out comfort.  Do the things I know I can succeed in.  Try to find the challenge within my current position, because venturing outside that position could mean failure.  While career wise, I would become complacent, I would seek out joy from social events and vacations.

Then, I hit my forties.  The thoughts of 'what am I doing with my life?' creep in.  The thoughts become more and more persistent, yet nothing changes.  I continue to do the same things day in and day out.  I begin to worry that I have no savings; nothing that would allow me to retire.  I don't see a lot of opportunity to increase my income based on the fact that I run a small non-profit that struggles year after year just to stay afloat.  Not only do I have to worry about my personal finances, but I have to worry about the companies finances as well as the employees who rely on the company for their income.  All of this creates a lot of stress.

I try to relieve that stress by going out with friends which typically includes a lot of drinking.  Drinking leads to bad eating habits and I don't exercise which makes me gain a lot of weight.  The doctor keeps lecturing me every time I go in for an appointment.  I take medications for high blood pressure, thyroid, cholesterol, and triglycerides.  I have to lose weight.  I tell her each time, I know and I'm trying, but it's hard.

At the end of 2017, I weigh more than I ever have in my life.  I'm at 260 pounds.  I can feel it.  I don't like the way I look.  My clothes don't really fit me well any more.  I don't feel attractive.  I'm about to celebrate 20 years at my current job.  That is a really long time.  It's hard to believe it's been 20 years.  The years have gone by so incredibly fast.  One year blends into the next.  People have come and gone.  I remain.  I am the constant.

Every year, I try to make a resolution.  If you looked back at my journal over the past several years, you would see pretty much the same thing over and over again.  This year I'm going to get healthier.  I'm going to lose weight, cut down on drinking, eat heather and exercise.  I'm going to get control of my finances.  I need to create and follow a budget and start to save some money.  I want to travel more.  I want to read more.  The list goes on and on.  Some years, I do fairly well throughout the winter months.  Other years, I fall apart right away with only a few weeks into January.  One thing is consistent though.  I always end up going back to my old habits at some point and by the end of the year, I'm making the exact same resolutions.  It's one huge dysfunctional cycle.

Its time for that dysfunctional cycle to end.  2018 is the year that I take back control of my life and push myself to be a better, healthier person.  The only person who can change me is me.  Since the start of the new year, I have been pushing myself to exercise more and eat healthier.  I did not drink at all during the month of January and since February has begun, I've only had one or two drinks when I have been out on social occasions.  I'm reading more. I'm on my fourth book already and it's only February 9th.  I decided I needed to journal every day to reflect on how the day went.  This was an important step because it allowed me to take things day by day.  If one day wasn't so hot, then maybe tomorrow would be better.

So far, the results of this work has been the loss of 18 pounds.  I'm now at 242 pounds.  I have a ways to go, but I'm on the right track.  While journaling is important, I decided that I also should keep a blog.  The reason being, is that this is public.  It helps to keep me accountable even if no one reads this.

It's also scary for me to put this all out there.  I will try to be as open as possible as I journey through this process and not hold anything back.  I will highlight my successes as well as my failures.  This won't just be a blog about me losing weight though.  I'm hoping to use this platform to talk about what's on my mind as I wade through this year.  I do believe that if I start to open myself up to opportunities, then opportunities will start to present themselves.

This is the year I step out of my comfort zone.  This is the year I embrace fear and the unknown.  Where will that take me?  I have no idea, but that's what makes it so thrilling.